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Have You Lost The Joy Of
Motherhood?
by Maranatha Chapman
Are you a tired, worn out, frustrated mama who loves her
children deeply but has lost the joy of mothering? Is every day
with your children such a drain that you cannot wait for it to
end, even to the point that you count down the minutes until
their bedtime? Do you feel an incredible burden of guilt because
you know you are supposed to love and enjoy this beautifully
fulfilling role of motherhood, and yet you don’t, so you
ashamedly scratch your head and wonder what is wrong with you?
Recently I have
talked with quite a few precious mothers who find themselves in
these types of situations and have asked for help in trying to
find or rediscover enjoyment in their mothering. Perhaps you
need help too.
Enjoying motherhood is not some unrealistic fantasy or worldly
ideal. As with anything the Lord has for us, I believe we can be
filled with His joy and the life of His Spirit while we engage
in all of the daily, day-long aspects of mothering. We know from
the Scriptures that it is very important for us to have our
hearts fully engaged in loving our children and giving ourselves
to the God-given role we play in their lives. Sure, we may get
tired or have to endure the unpleasantness of disobedience, bad
attitudes, or any number of other hardships. But “joy in the
Holy Spirit” and the abundant life Jesus came to give us are not
contingent upon favorable circumstances—they are “in Him,” and
if we are saved, we are in Him too. (Rom. 14:16-19, John 10:10,
Eph. 1:3-21) Most of us know this on at least a theological
level, but how is it that we still lose the substance, the real
life experience of it? I have found that it is typically our
wrong ideas, assumptions, conclusions, and beliefs that keep us
from abiding in the joy of the Lord.
Below I have compiled a simple list of reasons why mothers many
times lose their joy. The point here is not to go through the
solutions for each of these causes, but rather to help you
identify the obstacle or the lack which hinders you from abiding
in His joy. As you read through this, ask the Holy Spirit to
help you see if any of this applies to you. If it does, then ask
Him to give you His wisdom for how to get your heart freed up
and go on from here. (James 1:2-8)
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As you read through this, ask
the Holy Spirit to help you see if any of this
applies to you. If it does, then ask Him to give you
His wisdom for how to get your heart freed up and go
on from here
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You may have lost your joy in motherhood because…
You are just performing a duty or fulfilling a commitment.
Obviously there is no heart in this. Truly loving our
children involves more than merely functioning and
accomplishing. There is the enjoying of one another, the
bonding, and the heart connecting that goes on in the process.
Your eyes are focused on yourself. There is nothing but
death in being self-focused or self-absorbed. If you are
constantly looking at your need, you end up alone, unfulfilled,
and depressed. You really don’t have to devote your time to
looking at all of your self-interests. Draw near to Him, focus
on Him—He is the only One who has Life in Himself. (John 5:26)
We sure don’t, do we? Trust in the Lord and take in His care for
you. Your heart will feel so much freer to love and enjoy
everyone, especially your children.
You have unmet expectations. I’m sure all of us have
dealt with this one! I have found this to be the Number One
joy-killer among mothers. Your unmet expectations can be either
very general or really specific depending on how and where you
are focused. For example, you expect that your children will be
(fill in the blank) or do (fill in the blank), and it just does
not turn out that way. These unfulfilled expectations can be
very disappointing and leave you feeling sad and disillusioned.
The emotions are so powerful you just know (assume) you have
perceived the situation correctly, but you haven’t. All the pain
you feel is the result of your having decided ahead of time how
something would be, or should be, when in reality you have no
control over the outcome or the motives, choices, needs,
limitations, or intentions of others. You set yourself up to be
let down.
The key to dealing with expectations is Proverbs 3:5. If you do
not have the heart of “acknowledging Him in all your ways” and
“not to leaning on our own understanding” you are going to feel
constantly frustrated and stressed. This, in turn, will rob you
of any joy in motherhood or enjoyment of your children as you go
through daily life. For example, let’s say you decide to have
this big wonderful breakfast for the whole family to enjoy, but
then one of them gets sick or there is something wrong with the
oven, and you can’t do it. Then, instead of enjoying a bowl of
cereal with your children, you are sitting there stewing over
the big breakfast and the “quality family time” that wasn’t.
Your frustration blinds you to the opportunity for “quality
family time” that is right in front of you. Or say you expect
your husband to be home by 6 p.m. and lead the family in a
wonderful time together, but something comes up and he cannot
make it home until 8 p.m. You then feel the evening is ruined.
Rather than seeing what the Lord has instead for those two
hours, and then enjoying whatever your husband does lead in when
he gets home, you are ready for this “horrible” day to be over.
You have to constantly lay down all of your expectations for how
you expect life will be. Learn to be one who acknowledges the
Lord in all your ways, waits upon Him, watches for His leadings,
and follows His Spirit. Life is full of interruptions,
unanticipated events, unexpected outcomes, and simply not
getting what we want. Learn to accept this with a smile from
your heart and even enjoy the change-ups.
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You have to constantly lay down all of your expectations for how
you expect life will be. Learn to be one who acknowledges the
Lord in all your ways, waits upon Him, watches for His leadings,
and follows His Spirit. Life is full of interruptions,
unanticipated events, unexpected outcomes, and simply not
getting what we want. Learn to accept this with a smile from
your heart and even enjoy the change-ups. |
Your belief about children is off/wrong. If you view your
children as being in the way or an interruption or a hassle, you
will not enjoy them or being their mother. Learn to see them as
the blessing the Lord says they are, (Ps. 127:3-5, 128:1-6) even
when they are in the midst of training or in a stage that
requires a lot of “hands on” attention and hard work. Repent of
any worldly ideas about children being an impediment to your
life, and do not participate in any conversation or event or
media propaganda where they are viewed as bratty or leechy
appendages.
You believe the lie that you must have more money or material
things to be able to enjoy your children. This is simply not
true.
But godliness actually is a means of great gain, when
accompanied by contentment. For we have brought nothing into the
world, so we cannot take anything out of it either. And if we
have food and covering, with these we shall be content. But
those who want to get rich fall into temptation and a snare and
many foolish and harmful desires which plunge men into ruin and
destruction. For the love of money is a root of all sorts of
evil, and some by longing for it have wandered away from the
faith, and pierced themselves with many a pang. (1 Timothy
6:6-10)
There are always going to be things you need—gadgets or
appliances that will make life easier, books for the home
library, toys that promote creativity and good character,
clothing, etc. But do not buy into the lie that it is these
things that bring joy to life and motherhood or that they will
facilitate you enjoying your children. The Lord and His life is
the only thing that brings joy, and this is true regardless of
where you fall on the scale from poor to rich. You can have an
incredible time with your children whatever your
financial/material circumstances. Just see what the Lord has and
go with it. It could be that you sew some nice dresses with your
older daughters or that you gather up sticks with your little
ones. The point is the life shared together not how many props
you have on the stage of the drama we call “life.”
You are hanging on to your past status...
(This article does not appear in it's
entirety. To read the full article, you can order the back issue of
an An Encouraging Word titled, "A Word Fitly Spoken", Issue #40. Order from our
back issue
pages here or write to An Encouraging Word, P.O. Box 374 Covert,
MI 49043)
About the author: Maranatha and her husband, Matthew, homeschool their six
children on a small farm in Central Texas. Maranatha has a
2-tape series for women called, “Created For The Man’s Sake,”
which is available for $11.50 postpaid. Materials by Matthew and
Maranatha can be obtained through Kindling Publications, P.O.
Box 306, Hearne, Texas 77859-0306. © 2004 Matthew Chapman
This article was published in
An Encouraging Word issue #40, and may not
be reprinted or distributed in any form without express written
consent from the publisher. All Rights Reserved.
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